Before you open your mouth to speak, I already know what you’re going to say. ‘Stop telling women what they need to do in regards to men and start holding men accountable.’
From one woman to another, not choosing ill-equipped men is holding men accountable.
And yes, I totally agree, men that are relationship gurus need to stop advising women and start advising other men [Read that article HERE]. But one of the reasons men advise women is because historically we’re second-class citizens. And historically, we are the oppressed sex. They’ve made the rules they’ve forced us to abide by. And while we have made strides, there’s still some ways to go.
Want to know how to dismantle laws and rules set by the oppressor? Learn from those that have oppressed us and has benefited from it.
Men advise women because they think like men, clearly. Furthermore, why would men change their behavior if they knew that what one woman won’t accept another one will?
Male Privilege
Think about it. I’ll correlate this to white privilege. Not all white people are racist but all white people have benefited from racism and slavery. They have benefited from bigotry, crimes and prejudice against Black and Brown people.
White people benefit from systemic racism, because they live in a world where their voices are heard. They have a seat at the table, they have built in equity, impact policy making, are stakeholders of assets Black and Brown people have been pushed out of acquiring.
Patriarchy kind of work the same way. Most men, even great men, may not do the work necessary to fight on the behalf of women and women’s issues because they’ve benefitted from it patriarchy and misogyny. So why do some men advise women to change the way we engage, choose and accept or don’t accept certain behaviors from men? Because with less access to us (privilege), especially when they aren’t upholding their end of the bargain, there’s less opportunity to abuse their power and perhaps they are forced to change their actions.
Collectively, as women, we have to “un-brainwash” ourselves. We still allow men to pursue us and choose us, often giving too much of our power away, as if we don’t get the final say in the matter.
A man ill-equipped can’t be the head of a household (if that’s what you’re looking for). Let’s say, he has poor decision making skills and don’t consider the consequence of his actions on his household (his teammates), he isn’t motivated or ambitious, has poor money management and financial literacy, is an habitual cheater, has multiple kids with different women. He isn’t equipped.
Sis, don’t choose him. No love is enough.
Choose Better
You wouldn’t marry and have kids with every man you love for a reason. Whoever you choose is to help build with you. Grow with you. Create more security and structure for the both of you and your kids.
Being overly nurturing and understanding to a man that isn’t equipped will lead to self-deprecation. You will lose yourself and your focus.
Yet, some women choose ill-equipped men anyway. Why? Because we’re conditioned with the notion that men still need to feel like “men.” They shouldn’t feel emasculated. Make things easy. Don’t be argumentative and nagging.
Holding a man accountable for actions that hurt you isn’t confrontational, especially to a man that can own his flaws and will take the steps to change his wrongful actions. It’s what adults do. Hold each other accountable and make necessary changes.
Furthermore, men change for who they want. Treat those with respect that they want. So thinking to make things “easy” to be chosen won’t matter if that’s not what he wants from the connection with you.
We have been so conditioned by patriarchy and misogynistic ideals that we don’t even know when we exhibit and perpetuate them ourselves.
For example, some women continue to call other women whores when they may exhibit the same hypersexuality behavior we associate with men. It’s either we advise both men and women about the pleasures and perils of sex and intimacy or we condemn them both. No in betweens.
We Are Equally Yoked
For every “whore” there’s a man lying with her. Shouldn’t he be called a whore too?
For every single mother, there’s a man that has impregnated her. Men and women are two sides of the same coin. And what one side does impact the other, and therefore, it’s essential to hold both sides accountable for the same actions or not at all.
And please stop with the women are different than men argument. Yes, women can get pregnant while men can’t. And yes we have internal sex organs while a man’s is external. What difference does any of that make? Really? You’re still exchanging bodily fluids. Sharing your most intimate self with a person. There are emotional, mental and physical connections made between the two of you.
I’ve even heard arguments to suggest that women getting pregnant is problematic if she doesn’t know who the father of her child is. Well, we have DNA for that don’t we. And while a woman can get pregnant, a man can impregnate multiple women at the same time. So who’s problematic? Who contributes more to single-parent households? I’ll let you decide on that.
It is up to us to disengage and discontinue connections with men that do not serve us. PERIOD. In hindsight ladies, do not make the mistake of choosing and ill-equipped man to be your king.
(Photo: Kirk Frost/Instagram)
Similar Articles
Men Need to Stop Giving Women Unsolicited Relationship Advice
7 Signs You’re Losing Yourself In Your Relationship
1 Comment
Pingback: Is Ghosting Appropriate or Childish? - By Her Own Rules